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Mon, Sep. 12th, 2005, 07:51 am
The best political party ever

So, I have chosen to run as a non-partisan candidate, although this decision has pretty much destroyed my chances of getting elected. I have my reasons for shunning political parties, but I found that it was once voiced pretty well by our nation's only non-partisan president:

"All obstructions to the execution of the Laws, all combinations and associations, under whatever plausible character, with the real design to direct, control, counteract, or awe the regular deliberation and action of the constituted authorities, are destructive of this fundamental principle, and of fatal tendency. They serve to organize faction, to give it an artificial and extraordinary force; to put, in the place of the delegated will of the nation, the will of a party, often a small but artful and enterprising minority of the community; and, according to the alternate triumphs of different parties, to make the public administration the mirror of the ill-concerted and incongruous projects of faction, rather than the organ of consistent and wholesome plans digested by common counsels, and modified by mutual interests.

However combinations or associations of the above description may now and then answer popular ends, they are likely, in the course of time and things, to become potent engines, by which cunning, ambitious, and unprincipled men will be enabled to subvert the power of the people, and to usurp for themselves the reins of government; destroying afterwards the very engines, which have lifted them to unjust dominion." --George Washington, in his Farewell Address

Nobody listened to him, but he was right. And that is my inspiration.

Tue, Sep. 6th, 2005, 10:12 am
And now, some shameless self promotion

I figure it's time to give the preachy crap a rest, at least for a little while. It's time for some feather-ruffling.

I am more attractive than the other candidates. I'm also smarter, more fashionable, and more pleasant to be around. I am more skilled in political persuasion than even the incumbent if there is one, and my views are obviously more sensible.

Unlike the other candidates, I have never been suspected of a scandal while in office, and I have never let shady business deals lead to the downfall of those I once called friends. I have also never driven a car while intoxicated.

While my opponents have Ivy League educations and backgrounds in high society, I have somehow managed to come out with a better grasp of the English language than any of them. I am also confident that I have a higher IQ than any of them.

See how my competitors wither and age from a lifetime of seeking power in Washington. I, however, retain my youthful vigor, and my flowing, golden locks dance in the sunlight. I also have better taste in music.

The world has not seen a leader of my caliber. I possess the strength of Alexander, the wisdom of Solomon, and the political talent of Caesar. I am flawless.

Like a god among men I will ascend to the presidency, and once there I will solve the world's problems through my infinite glory. After America, I am confident the rest of the world will elect me leader. And they will not be sorry.

So, when 2020 rolls around and you're not sure who to vote for, look toward the handsome young gentleman who seems to know exactly how to solve every problem facing the nation. The one who, when compared to the others, says the only things that make sense. The one right there, no, not him, the one next to him. Oh wait, you can't seem him now... there he is! You see him now? Yeah, that's Andy. Vote for him.

Mon, Aug. 29th, 2005, 02:29 pm
Saving the World, One Post at a Time

After talking politics with my mother, who is more liberal than I am, I have decided that this world will not survive unless I'm in charge of everything. Every day in the news, people are dying and killing, and nobody seems to know what to do about it. There are at least two sides to every issue, and the sides are always at odds with each other, and it's just bad all around.

That's why I should be president. I am on neither side of any issue. I'm not even in the middle. Give me any issue, and I have the only sensible solution. War in Iraq? Don't call it a war. Conflict in Iraq? What about the conflict in Los Angeles. Those Angelinos took back the title of America's murder capital last year. Why does no one care about the thousands of Americans we've lost in LA over the last two and a half years?

Lots of people are protesting against war these days. And I whole-heartedly agree with their protests. By all accounts, war is a dirty, ugly thing. But I ask these people, if you're out there protesting anyway, why not bring along some other signs and protest some other problems. The best T-shirt I ever saw read, "Stop Plate Tectonics." Why not protest against that? Plate tectonics cause violent earthquakes, landslides, and are the suspected culprit behind the tsunami that left 150,000+ people dead in south east Asia earlier in the year. Stop plate tectonics!

Well, as president, I won't stop plate tectonics. Those plates are pretty damn big, and any attempt to stop them would probably just antagonize them to make things worse. I just can't stop something that big. But I'll sure as hell try. First, though, I'll end war. Most reasonable people will say that there's no stopping war. They say that wars have always been fought and always will be. Well, I don't believe it.

It'll start when I first take office. I'll issue a mission to the people of the world. I will say, "Ask yourselves: Is it really that bad? I mean, you're not dying are you?" Most people, when they think about it, will realize that they are not dying. Some, however, will realize that they are. The next thing I will say is, "If you are not dying, realize that some people are. You need to stop bitching about whatever it is you think is so damn bad and help the dying people."

I think it's absurd, sometimes, when I think about what the people of the world get upset about. High gas prices. Hmph! Take a walk. See if it'll kill you. Religion. Crap. Don't get me started about religion. No, it's too late, you got me started.

You know, I think I understand faith. I don't have any, but I think I understand it. It's like, you're raised by these people, they take care of you and teach you things, and one thing they teach you is that all this stuff in this book is true. You trust these people, so you take their word for it. And then you find out that there are a billion people who believe the same crap you do. So, by the time you reach adulthood, you have all this information from this book, and you believe, no, you know it's true. It's always been true and it always will be and anyone who says differently is just plain wrong. And how do you know it's true? It's in the book.

I try to be tolerant of religion, but when I confront it, I can't stand it. You can't argue religion, you can't discuss it. Put me and a religious guy in a room together for a thousand years, and when it's over, I still won't believe and he still will. And you know what, maybe one of the hundreds of religions or thousands of sects of christianity is actually the right one, and maybe those people will go to heaven and I'll go to hell, but you know what? You can't prove it. Neither can I, but at least I can put in a "maybe." Religious people are always so black-and-white, so all or nothing.

And it leads to violence. It says right in the books that violence is wrong, but it says a lot of stuff in those books. Like, a lot a lot. And there are times where those books mandate violence. Deny it all you want, it's in those books. And there have been many times where faith in those books have lead to the deaths of innocent people.

So, I think religion is crap. It explains a lot of supernatural things which otherwise couldn't be explained. I think that's why man invented religion, was just to explain the things that didn't make sense. But almost from the time of its invention, religion has been used to govern people. It has been misquoted, misread, blindly followed for thousands of years, and I see no signs of it slowing. But let it be on record that I don't believe in your religion, and before you say that you do, actually read the books. See if it all makes sense to you.

Okay, I just lost the bible belt. Well, I never really had the bible belt. Screw them anyway. Peace, love and understanding. Stop plate tectonics! Vote for Andy!

Fri, Mar. 18th, 2005, 03:34 pm
Campaign Speech #1, Part 2

Wait, where was I? Something about the one-world government right?

So, as president, I will spend a lot of time at the UN, or whatever the international alliance organization will be called in 2020, convincing them to come together as one sovereign nation. We can call this nation: Earth.

There is no end to the problems this will solve. No more war. No more confusing cash conversions. We can get rid of all the different forms of currency, and replace them with digital money units known only as credits. Trade disagreements will become obsolete as the whole world realizes that tariffs, sanctions and embargoes are not only illegal, but also impractical, seeing as how there won't be anyone left to put sanctions on.

War will be known as civil unrest, and will be fought not with armies, but with police. We can disband the world's militaries, and train them all to do something constructive, not destructive.

The whole world will become socialist. I'll elaborate after I do some more research into exactly what kind of socialism we will practice.

The world will become a utopia. Okay, that's not true, but I think the world will be much better once we consolidate the nations.

Of course, this will take time. Lots of time. And it is time that I am most willing to give, but first, you, the American people, must give some of your own time. Just a couple minutes, hopefully no more than an hour, on or before election day 2020. Just Vote for Andy. I probably won't have my own personal quick pick number, but you can always pencil my name in there. Vote me for president. Also, just to be safe, vote me for every office in contention. If you vote Andy for president, all my wildest dreams will come true.

Thu, Mar. 17th, 2005, 06:40 pm
Campaign Speech #1, Part 1


You are reading the text of my first ever campaign speech. Actually, at the time this is posted, this speech will never have been spoken, so I guess it's more like my first campaign essay. That's not important.

What is important, is the global community. Do you know how many countries are in this world? I sure don't. I think it's between 100 and 200, but I could be wrong. There could be more. Lots more. Countries north, south, east and west. Countries surrounded by water, countries surrounded by other countries. Countries holding up the line at the nearby drive-thru. Here a country there a country, and all of them have but one thing in common--none of them trust any of the rest of them.

That's an issue that needs to be addressed. I think the entire concept of a country is outdated and obsolete. The 100-200 countries out there haven't figured this out yet, but what is the point of a country? It's nothing more than people in a group with a flag, who believe that their group and their flag is better than anyone else's, just because it's theirs.

And look what comes of it. War, genocide, rude words spoken in foreign guttural languages that I don't understand, allowing me, defenseless, to be mocked and debased while I smile and nod and ask directions to the nearest hotel which I will almost certainly never find.

As president of the United States, I will seek to consolidate all the countries into one giant super-country. No, I'm not proposing a violent takeover by America. What I'm talking about is a world where the USA, China, those poor, confused Middle Eastern countries, and all the others are but small chunks of the one central government--the global government.

I think the beginning has to be in the language we use. We always hear people harping on about "International affairs" and "international disputes" and "international pancake breakfast at IHOP." We need to turn the "international" into a "global." Global is a good word.

Hold on, I'm tired. Okay, I'll finish later.

Tue, Mar. 15th, 2005, 03:53 pm
Andy for President in the Year 2020!

This entry is to announce my candidacy for president in the year 2020. I will be running as a nonpartisan candidate. As of now, I have not picked a running mate, but I will be on the lookout for one. I also have no official platform as of yet, and probably won't create one for some time, if I do at all.

If I do create a platform, I don't know what will be in it, as I have no idea what the issues will be in 2020. Also, whenever I do create my platform, it will be subject to change at a moment's notice, or even without any notice at all, any time I see fit to change it. Platforms are pretty constricting and seem to be the downfall of most great political parties, so I may not have one at all. Then again, I am not a member of any political party and never will be, so maybe it won't hurt if I have one.

My campaigning between now and the first Tuesday of November, 2020, will be conducted primarily on this blog. I may eventually start other blogs in an effort to increase my campaign coverage. If I do, these new blogs will invariably have links to each other and this original blog.

The general election in 2020 will be my entry into elected office. If I fail in my bid to become president, I will probably have run for some slightly lower profile offices as well, such as my local school board.

I have chosen the year 2020, as that will be the first election in which I will be old enough to fill the seat of president. I will be 36.

If, between now and 2020, I should die, be convicted of a felony, or otherwise become ineligible to serve as president, I will continue to run and ask for votes, but I will include a disclaimer to all my campaign advertisements, notifying the public that, even if elected, I will not be allowed to serve as president.

I don't see ineligibility as being a factor in my attempt at becoming president, so the next issue is, getting out the vote. As far as I know, only one person has ever visited my blog. So, to that one person, spread the word--Vote Andy for President!

Tue, Mar. 8th, 2005, 01:59 pm

It snowed today. It was 70 degrees and sunny yesterday. I believe it was Mark Twain who said, If you don't like the weather in New England, wait a minute. I'm not even in New England. I think I'm in the south. Not the deep south, but the south. Virginia is considered the south, right?

All's I know is, is that even if Virginia and the Carolinas are considered the south, and Texas is considered the west, I'm from southern California, which is farther south and farther west, but doesn't get to be known as either of these regions. California is its own sovereign empire.

70 dolphins beached themselves in Florida. About 29 did the same thing a couple months ago. My friend theorizes that the dolphins and whales have started to form cults and are practicing ritual suicide, and I'm inclined to agree with her. After all, she works at a gas station and therefore is obviously an expert in dolphin culture. Note that no west coast dolphins have recently committed suicide.

The middle east is completely fucked. And I can see why. In America, we have some weird sordid way of naming geographic regions, where the south and the west are not necessarily all that far south or west, but the middle east, that one's horrible. I mean, they put in that "middle." Middle is not even a cardinal direction. Middle east. So, is that like, they are in the middle of the east, or they're in the middle between east and not east, or are they just stuck between north and south and thus called the middle east? It's very confusing.

They're also confused because of all the hate. They absolutely need to stop hating over there. Everything over there is so damn sensitive, and so damn important. It's live or die over stupid shit. I mean, between Lebanon, Iran, Syria, Palestine (whatever the fuck Palestine is) and Israel, they're heading for a war. And nobody knows why, except that Israel is Jewish and the rest of them are not.

I know it gets more complicated than that, but that's what it boils down to. If religion wasn't a factor, there would be no Israel. If there was no Israel, no one would give a damn about Lebanon, Syria or Iran. Well, I suppose the Lebanese, Syrians and Iranians would, but no one else. I suspect the alleged Palestine wouldn't even exist if it weren't for Israel.

What the fuck is Palestine anyway? All I know about it is, the word is of Latin origin and was used by the Romans thousands of years ago. As far as I can tell, the PLO is concerned with the people in the West Bank (all 10,000 of them) and the Gaza Strip (More people, but the entire area is smaller than Rhode Island). And the whole world worries about these people all the time. Because they are ALL pissed off. I can't stand to see the anger. We need to get some damn good construction men out there, cut Israel off at the borders, and send the whole country into the middle of the Mediterranean, where all the happy Jews can live on their peaceful little island, and all the Palestinians can throw rocks into the ocean from the West Bank. It's really probably better than the alternative. Cheaper too. More on this when I collect my thoughts.

Wed, Feb. 23rd, 2005, 02:09 pm
My TL-X rocks my world

So, I bought a Spyder TL-X semi-automatic paint marker about a month ago. Anyone who plays paintball often probably knows the name Spyder, and they probably have one of two preconceived notions about them. Either A: Spyders are cheap pieces of shit. Or B: Spyders are good, considering they're cheap.

My TL-X was $100, and I tell you, it was worth every penny. Take my word for it.

I have very little to look forward to, to end a sentence with a preposition, which I haven't. As Winston Churchill once said, ending a preposition is something up with which I will not put.

Winston Churchill also drank a fifth of brandy every night and slept until noon every day, proving once again that Winston Churchill was the greatest leader of the 20th century.

The NHL turned tail and fled. If I were a professional hockey player, I'd be moving to Russia right about now.

American sports tend to be boring. Hockey was the only interesting thing to watch on ESPN, and that was a Canadian sport. We just had some American stadium owners reaping all the benefits. Now it's over, and all those hockey players can just move right back to Canadia.

Americans need to take a more active interest in soccer. In fact, we should lose our stubborness for just a minute, and call soccer football like the rest of the world. Right after we get rid of the "standard" system (which isn't standard anywhere except the United States) and adopt the more sensible metric system. We can then take the game we currently call football (which has little to do with feet), get ride of it, and adopt the sport of rugby. Or hurling.

I've never seen anyone play hurling, and I don't really know what it is, but somebody once told me it was the Irish version of rugby, and therefore was more dangerous and brutal. That could be complete bullshit.

Wed, Feb. 16th, 2005, 03:32 pm
Entertain Me

I'm really bored. I mean like, insanely bored. I am on the verge of being so bored that I actually want to do my job, and I vowed long ago never to do my job after noon. Surprise, the news is on. If I could just put on a decent movie, I'd feel a million times better. I'm bitching, aren't I? I also vowed not to to that after noon, at least not in any public format.

So, let's look at the bright side of the situation. I'm bored, which is a good thing. Being bored means it's an easy day. I know I'd much rather be bored than, say, annoyed, or tired, or in fear for my life. And the news is on, which is, of course, excellent. Lord knows I love the news. I mean, who doesn't?

I feel bad about this post. It's only my third, and I haven't said a damn worthwhile thing yet. Maybe I should start updating at home instead of at work. I tend to be more optimistic when I'm not at work.

Kyoto's gonna die. So's the NHL. Israel's gonna kill Iran, and Syria's gonna bomb Israel, and Palestine is gonna take the heat for all of it.

Prophecies of the end are coming to fruition. This is not to say that the end is near. That would just be cliche.

I think I'm gonna start drinking again. "Gonna" should be formally accepted by grammar people as a substitute for "going to." It's much more efficient.

That last paragraph had two independant thoughts. It should have been two seperate paragraphs.

My boss just came in. I have to act busy. I think he's upset.

Fri, Feb. 11th, 2005, 12:24 pm
Headline News

It's boring and pointless. The more I watch the news, the more I feel like something really cool is happening somewhere and the bastards just won't let me know about it. It's upsetting. I'm watching some pseudo-expert explain the histories of mass suicide, and the anchor just asked him to give advice to any groups of people considering mass suicide. Very useful. Now that he's spoken, I'm going to call my cult leader right away and tell him to cancel next Saturday's plans. Instead, we'll have a mass non-suicide, in which we will drink non-toxic punch and not kill ourselves, all day. Thanks to the vital information found on today's news, I am more informed about the dangers of suicide (it's often fatal, apparently) and the lives of my fictional cult members have been saved. Oh, and now they're telling me about a bombing in Iraq. I think it's a rerun. YES!!! A prison riot in Argentina!!! Now, this is news I can use. Ah shit, they don't have any video for it. Well, at least it ran. Never mind what I said, the news just redeemed itself. My first half-assed rant. Don't watch the news. Unless it's about Argentina or a prison riot. Everything else is useless.

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